Your decision to write your piece as a diary entry (the fancy term for that is in the epistolary form) was a good one – it creates vividness to the story to see it through one person’s eyes – but because they’re writing it down, you can tell that they’re trying to be brave too.

Strengths:

This story has a clear narrative structure (plot line) and you have started to incorporate description in order to expand your reader’s enjoyment and understanding. You write using a variety of techniques, including devices showing the passing of time repetition to show nothing changes – it only gets worse.

You’ve also successfully (I’m not sure intentionally) incorporated some of the grammar techniques that we have studied.

Advice:

The main areas for immediate focus are the ones that we looked at in your drafts.

  1. Your sentences often miss out key words (I added them to your first sentence in red to show you what I mean.) You must read your work aloud and then adjust it to make sense if you are going to fix this problem in your writing.
  2. Your spelling was erroneous in a number of places with longer or less familiar words. How is your skill with a dictionary?

Advanced Advice

Your descriptions would have been improved with the use of a wider variety of noun phrases and adverbials – I’m curious about why you decided not to start any sentences with prepositions – you certainly showd you knew how to do it in class exercises.

Here is a copy of your original writing with detailed notes added:

[gview file=”https://tiannie.student.edutronic.net/files/2012/12/Tiannie.pdf”]